Music Monday: I Will Wait for You There

I feel like I spend a lot of time waiting. 

Waiting to finish school.  Waiting to start my own business.  Waiting to get married.  Waiting to buy a house.  Waiting to start our family.  Waiting for Adam to leave.  Waiting to start school again.  Waiting for Adam to get home.  Waiting for our babies who are on the other side of the world.

I heard this song a few months back and it just really hit my heart.  The waiting in the song refers to being able to meet God in that place of worship.  And it made me think of all the other forms of waiting. 

I will wait for you...as long as I have life....

For my husband. For my babies. For the waiting.

Say What?

I was watching the news several weeks ago.  Our local news station featured a very heartwarming and tear-inducing story about several families who were in the process of adopting from Vietnam.  Unfortunately, due to many different circumstances, it took almost 3 years to complete the adoption and bring these babies home to their families.  As they were interviewing one of the mommas, she said, "His birth mom gave him up, and I won't do that.  I won't give up." 

And I stoppped.  Frozen.  Horrified.  Gave him up.  Ick.  My heart ached as I heard those words.  Adoption is born out of tragedy.  The circumstances that lead to adoption are heartbreaking.  Every.  Single.  Doggone.  Time. 

So, I share the following post from American Adoptions:

A New Year's Resolution: Using Positive Adoption Language

It's that time of year. You've committed to that diet. This will be the year you stop drying laundry on the treadmill and start running on it. And you're going to start paying more attention to recycling. But how about a new year's resolution related to adoption?

Words can be very powerful things. Although you may not know it, some of the adoption language commonly heard today can actually have a very negative effect on adoption, as well as adopted children, adoptive families and birth parents.

The way we speak about adoption helps others form their opinion of adoption. It can also impact how an adopted child feels about their adoption and identity. For example, referring to your child as your "adopted son" or "adopted daughter" could make them feel as if they don't truly belong to your family, a feeling that could greatly impact a child's self-esteem.

In addition, one very commonly used phrase regarding birth parents is that they "gave up" or "gave away" their child for adoption. This negative term implies that the birth parents didn't care about their child - when, in reality, birth parents choose adoption out of nothing but love for their child. Instead of this negative language, say that a birth parent "placed their child for adoption" or that they "made an adoption plan." This positive language more accurately reflects the situation, without painting a negative picture of birth parents.

According the U.S. Census, 1 in 25 households with children has at least one adopted child. An even greater ratio of people have certainly been touched by adoption through friends and extended families.

That's why we're promoting the use of positive adoption language as a new year's resolution. It's up to us to change the conversation among our friends and families and in our schools and communities. Below is a list of some commonly used negative adoption language and the positive phrases that should be used in their place:

Negative: Real parent
Positive: Birth parent, birth mother, birth father

Negative: Give up/give away child for adoption
Positive: Place child for adoption, make an adoption plan

Negative: To keep
Positive: To parent

Negative: Unwanted child
Positive: Child placed for adoption

Negative: Is adopted
Positive: Was adopted

Negative: Adoptive parent
Positive: Parent

Negative: Handicapped
Positive: Child with special needs

Negative: Illegitimate
Positive: Born to unmarried parents

Your words have power.  Use them wisely.

Say, Why Are You Doing That Anyway?

I love kids.  I am surrounded by kids most of my working hours.  And then I come home to my kittens.  Who, if any of you have had the distinct pleasure to meet Hazel, Luna, and Klara, you know how very much they are like kids.  Kids who potty in a box, but kids nonetheless.  But I digress. 

Once a week, I have the honor to work in a school.  It's a small school.  With good kids.  And great teachers.  And awesome families.  I love it.  I want my kids to go to this school.  I want YOUR kids to go to this school. 

My particular school has started a school-wide program that highlights family values.  One of the topics is about how God creates different kinds of families.  Which includes adoption (yippee!).  Several weeks ago, one of the teachers asked if she could mention to the kids that Adam (referred to at school as "Mr. Miller") and I were planning to adopt.  I said, "Absolutely!"  I love being able to share this story and start the conversation with anyone who will listen...as you are well aware.  It's a chance to educate.

Fast forward a few weeks.  I was working with a particular class and, before I leave, I always tell them when I'll be back to see them.  Due to schedules, it was going to be about a month in between visits.  This classroom has a child in it with some special needs, one of which elminates a good portion of his mental filter (combined with being a kid...and we all know that kids have generally malfunctioning mental filters, as it is).  And he said, "Is that when you're going to be gone to adopt your other child?"  He caught me off guard.  I didn't know that this particular class knew about the adoption.  And what's this mention of our "other child?"  (Maybe he's heard rumors about the kittens!)  I got my bearings about me and said, "No, that's just when I'll be back to see you."  Then he asked, "When are you going to adopt your other child?"  And I honestly replied, "You know, we don't know.  But it'll be a while.  And we'll let you know when we do." 

Then the Million Dollar Question.  "Say, why are you doing that anyway?"  Absolute silence in the classroom.  Mrs. Miller (my teacher name) on the spot.  All ears listening.  A bazillion reasons go through my head.  I quickly sift through them to come up with one that is easy for kids to understand.  And I just said, "Well, Mr. Miller and I just want to be a Mom and Dad for a kid that doesn't have a Mom and a Dad.  Do you think that's a good idea?" 

A classroom full of little heads nod "yes."  Murmurs of approval.  Sigh of relief from Mrs. Miller. 

Killing a Conversation

I have not found a better way to kill a conversation than to tell someone else that my husband is getting deployed.  There.  I said it.  Deployed.  I also have not found a word that, when I say it, makes me feel like I've been punched in the stomach, can't breath, and need to vomit.  Deployed. 

Someone asked me what our timeline for adoption is.  Hhhmm...good question.  I know what MY timeline is.  I also know that the Army doesn't usually never asks what my schedule looks like when they schedule things like deployments.  Or weddings. 

I remember when Adam enlisted.  I had just finished graduate school and was looking forward to settling in, relaxing, taking it easy.  (Excuse me, while I laugh myself silly at this point.  Just give me a minute.  I'll be fine.)  Adam came home from work one day and said, "What do you think about me joining the National Guard?"  I was reading something at the time.  I took a brief minute and, looking over my magazine, said, "Uhm...no?"  When he sat down on the couch and said, "I think this is something that I really need to do," my first thought was, "Oh, shit.  We're really gonna do this, huh?" 

Because, the reality is that this what relationships are all about.  You support me when I do crazy things (suggest we spend money we don't have and fly clear across the world to bring children into our family) and I'll support you when you do crazy things (like join the Army).  That's life.  That's our commitment to each other. 

So, when people ask, "When is Adam deploying?" the short answer is, "Heck if I know!"  Right now, it's looking like probably sometime this summer.  To where, you may ask?  Either Iraq, Kuwait, Afghanistan, or "somewhere in Africa."  (If you're anything like me, when you hear the words "somewhere in Africa," you may be thinking, "Well, see if he can pick up a baby on the way home!")  How long will be gone?  Probably, about a year, give or take 6 months on either side.  See where this whole "adoption timeline" thing is a bit t-ricky? 

Deployment has it's benefits.  Number one, it's what Adam wants to do.  Number two, it's what Adam's been trained to do.  Number three, we get adoption benefits ($2,000 per adoption) if he deploys.  Number four, it gives us the opportunity to save a lot of money while he's gone (for adoption).  The risks, though few, are overwhelming and take my breath away. 

So, if you ask me, our adoption timeline--including a 12-month deployment and the purchase of our first home--is that we will have a Miller baby in our house sometime by 2014.  But check wtih the Army and see what they have in mind.