I Think It's a Sign

We have great friends.

Friends who are always kind to ask, "What's new with the adoption?" even though they know that there is probably nothing tangible for us to report.

People who are waiting expectantly with us.  Hoping for progress.  Even though, repeatedly, nothing has visibly changed.  If I were in their shoes, I don't know that I could keep asking that question, knowing the answer.

But, I tell you, things are changing.  We are moving in a direction.

Adoption is not a sprint.  If we've learned anything, it's that.  The idea of adoption was planted in our hearts far before it even become feasible for us to do anything.  I feel like the first year after our decision to adopt was really just spent getting our hearts and brains wrapped around the idea.  But that second year...man.  The second year was amazing.  We saw things happen that we simply could not explain.  Things that stunned us, made us laugh, and made us cry at our good fortune.

A year ago, we were living paycheck to paycheck, with a substantial amount of debt, and with nothing in the savings account.  In ONE YEAR, we got rid of $25,000 worth of debt.  Some of that we were able to pay off, and some of it just disappeared.  (Either way is fine with us.)  My business doubled from the year before.  Several business opportunities were put in my path over the last year.  For the first time ever, we have money in a savings account for the adoption AND money in savings account for a down payment on a house.

God has found favor on our adoption. Anytime I start to doubt if we are on the right track, I am constantly bombarded with proof that confirms that our decision has been the right one.

As some of you may know, Adam and I have been looking at houses.  We don't really plan to buy a house until the summer, but we just can't help ourselves.  It's fun to wander around and dream about our family's future.  "Is this the yard where my garden belongs?"  "Will my kids grow up eating breakfast in this kitchen?"  "Is this the living room where we will celebrate our Christmases?"

A few weekends ago, just for fun, we were looking at some houses and, on our way home, drove by a house.  It was huge and stunning and had a lot of land.  As we looked at it lovingly, we realized that it was for sale!  We immediately pulled into the driveway, hoping that no one was living there.  When we were sure the house was empty, we decided to just trespass walk around the outside of the house.  Initially, we were thinking it might be a bit of a fixer-upper, but we got closer and realized that it was A-MAY-ZING.  And appears to have everything that we are looking for. 

This is the first house that Adam and I have completely fallen in love with.  (You might remember that I fell in love with a house last fall.  Once we looked at it, I realized that it was far too small for the family that we intend.  Case closed.)

This house has everything I never knew I always wanted (name that movie!).  As we stood outside, in the dark, staring at this house, we were both just like, "This is what I've been picturing in my head the whole time!"

This is not the actual house.  But this is sorta what the house might look like if we didn't buy it!  

But the reality is that it's going to take some major favor on God's part to make this happen.  Adam and I both feel like there is one house that is meant for us.  And, if this is the one, then God will make it happen.

Right now, we are praying that:

1.  No one else has the desire to buy this house, allowing us to save more money for a down payment.
2.  We get a tax refund to use toward this house.  Since I'm self-employed and our business doubled this year, this is close to impossible.  (But so was paying of $25,000 in debt, so it stays on the prayer list.)
3.  That the sellers will accept a lower price or keep dropping the price.
4.  That the home stays on the market until we can afford it.
5.  If this isn't the house for us, God will let us know and shut the door.
6.  If God wants us in the house sooner, that He paves a way for that to happen. 


Please join us in asking for guidance about this house (or other houses that we may come in contact with).  This is such a huge step in the adoption process; because, once we are in a house, we can start the paperwork almost immediately to begin the adoption.

I am warning you now...2013 is going to be a BIG YEAR for the Millers!

Update:  We filed our taxes this week.  We were squared away and resigned to owing a sizable chunk of money and, despite a short moment when the accountant said, "This is bad.  This is really bad.  You're not going to like this...." and Adam almost stroked out...WE ARE GETTING A REFUND!   As we sat at our Family Meeting Restaurant, eating wings, Adam said, "I think this is a sign.  I think this is a very good sign." 

Indeed, it is.  

 

My Favorite

"Grief makes one so terribly tired." ~The Dowager Countess, Downton Abbey

I am always quick to tell my clients that there is a huge difference between grieving and when someone dies.

Because of my job, I can listen to people talk all day long about death and the horrible circumstances surrounding some deaths.

But grief...oh, grief is different.  Grief, even when you see it coming, is all encompassing.  It takes your breath.  Grief makes you cry for 36 hours, even when you're sleeping.  It steals your appetite and makes you ravenous, all at the same time.  It starts the slideshow of memories and sets it on repeat.  Grief, even when you're at peace with it, is fierce and does not leave quickly.    

My grandma died.  My favorite person in this world...gone. 

Somehow, in this sea of grief, there is peace with her death.  Alzheimer's is an ugly disease, and I always said that it would be a fascinating disease if it weren't happening to the one person that I loved the most in this world.  The grief comes from a place of remembering who she used to be and being sad that person doesn't exist anymore.  And didn't outwardly exist for a long time. 

My cousin asked me what my favorite memory of Grandma Ruth was.  And I couldn't pick just one. 

There are so many...

 

I used to dream about her a lot.  I read somewhere that it was a "psychological fact" that if you were dreaming about someone, then they were dreaming about you.  I'm pretty sure that this is not a fact, and was indeed an idea invented by 14-year-old girls.  And, while I have a million reasons to hope this is not true, I always hoped that it was with her.  I was hopeful that, somewhere, over time and space and this ugly disease, we were able to connect somehow. 

My grandma remarried when I was three.  And, honestly, my grandpa is the real hero of this love story.  My grandma had been a widow for 6 years, and I think the other grandkids had gotten used to having Grandma all to their own.  Being the youngest, I don't really remember Grandma before she got married again.  My grandma had always said she didn't want to marry a farmer or a truck driver, but she ended up marrying both.  My grandpa was really her knight in shining armor, and I'm so grateful that she got a chance at love like that.  He would visit her in the nursing home, every single day.  That's commitment--doing the same thing over and over, despite the total lack of feedback.  No matter how hard it is.  No matter how heartbreaking it is.  I remember, when I was little, my grandpa saying that he'd promised Grandma that they'd be married for 50 years, even if they had to finish up some of those in Heaven.  Now, I know that most Christian theology says that there aren't married relationships in Heaven, but I think there might be exceptions for devoted old men. 

About a year ago, my aunt sent me a package of old letters that I had sent my grandma over the years.  I always get compliments on my handwriting, which I attribute to the years and years of letter-writing that occurred between me and Grandma over the years.  But in this package, there were also all of the things that my grandma had clipped out of the local newspaper over the years.  Some of them were significant...like scholarships I had won or times my picture was in the paper.  But what stopped me was the tiny cut-out of the time I made the honor roll in the sixth grade.  I was a great student--I always made the honor roll.  And she always cut it out.  And she always put it on her refrigerator, like it was such a big deal.  There are few times in this world when you get a cheerleader like that. 

And then there's the rock.  When I was little, my grandma redid one of their rooms with a peach color.  I found a rock in the field behind our house that was a light peach color and just KNEW that my grandma had to have it to match her new room.  So we washed it and varnished it, and I gave it to her.  And you would have thought that I gave her a million dollars.  And that rock sat in her living room, on the floor by the TV, until I was almost finished with college and they moved.  That's a good grandma right there--to act excited about and then display a varnished ROCK for 15 years. 

My aunt also shared with me this picture that I drew of my grandma.  I'm not sure how old I was...obviously, not old enough to spell "Grandma" correctly.  Adam's questions were things like, "Did she wear a lot of turtlenecks?"  (no) and "Did she wear a lot of make-up?" (yes, when I was little).  Again, it makes my heart ache with love that she saved these all these years...to know that I was so treasured that she saved my little kid drawings of her. 

So here's to 87 years of life--two husbands, three kids, seven grandkids, twelve great-grandkids (three of whom are named after her), and three great-great-grandkids. 

And a legacy of love.

2 Years, 2 months, and 2 days

Right now, I am overflowing with thoughts and feelings and information about adoption.

There has been so much about adoption in the news and in our little world that I feel like I am just saturated with it.  Confused by it.  Saddened by it.  I feel like I'm carrying around this weight that is causing me to become (is it possible?!) even more passionate about adoption.

Adam and I made the decision to adopt in October 2010.  I have been seriously praying for "our family, whatever form that may take on" every single day since Thanksgiving of that year.  Those exact words.  Every single day.  794 times.  (As a little fun fact, I've been praying this prayer for 2 years, 2 months, and 2 days...weird, huh?)

I heard the words, "Our willingness to wait reveals the value we place on the object we are waiting for" on the radio the other day.  While we aren't waiting on an object, I think the premise is still the same.  Adoption is something so valuable to us that we are willing to wait.  And wait.  And wait.  For as long as we need to in order to make it happen.

So, part of my passion involves educating other people about adoption and the need for orphan care.

The statistics surrounding the exact number of orphans in the world are a little fuzzy.  Every agency that reports on these sorts of things has their own different criteria for figuring this data.  Some agencies don't count abandoned children or children who are sold/trafficked.  UNICEF's recent reports put the number at somewhere between 143 and 210 MILLION CHILDREN worldwide. 

Let me help to break this down for you (keeping in mind that these estimates are probably way low based on an inability to collect proper data)...

-Every day, 5,760 children become orphans (every. single. day.)

-Every year, over 14 million children "age out" of the system.  Aging out is the process of being "old enough" to no longer qualify for adoption or even for institutional care.  In the US, this age is 18.  In other countries, it's as low as 9.  I'll give you a minute to think of any 9-year-old that you've ever met and imagine that he or she "no longer qualifies" for a family. 

-Every 15 seconds, a child in Africa becomes an orphan due to AIDS. 

-Older orphans who "age out" are at an increased risk for abuse of various kinds, prostitution, suicide, slavery, becoming child soldiers, and exposure to AIDS and other diseases.

So, here's my commentary on all of that: 

1.  I. do. not. care. if there are 143 orphans or if there are 210 million or if there are 5 orphans.  All kids belong in families.  Period.

2.  I know that people get really upset about international adoption.  UNICEF actually doesn't endorse international adoption because they would prefer that orphans stay in their home country and be cared for by family in order to further reduce unnecessary trauma and loss.  I wholeheartedly agree.  But if we are not gonna support international adoption than we all need to STEP IT UP in regard to world missions to provide a support net for countries to be able to take care of their children and families.

3.  I'm sure my last point probably led some people to be like, "Well, we need to be taking care of the kids and families in our own country!"  Absolutely.  (I'm starting to think that perhaps we need to STEP IT UP in regard to domestic missions too...)  Adam and I are led to international adoption because we feel that the US has a minimum standard of care for orphans, and other countries simply do not.  Half of the world population lives on roughly $2.50 a day. (This could lead me into a whole different conversation about how the poorest Americans are still far wealthier than most of the world)  I would certainly hope that we are not so short-sighted in our American privilege that we value an American kid over a kid from a different country.  (Go back and review my first point.)

4.  I sit here, typing away, in the safety of my warm apartment, and I cry.  I cry because I'm just as guilty as everyone else for turning a blind eye to world problems that are larger than my little world.  I cry for my future children who, at one point, could have easily become a horrifying statistic.  I cry because I don't think Adam will go for bringing home 210 million orphans (though, I don't know...he's surprised me before...).  I cry because I see such a division between mommas in our world.  There are times that I just want to scream and shake people and be like, "Don't you get it!  Children are dying!  Children are alone!"  (Don't even get me started on people who equate pet adoption with human adoption!)  And I have to remind myself that this is our journey, and I can't expect everyone to "get it" or to join us or to start a journey of their own. 

5.  But, boy, if someone else did start a journey of their own...that might be one less orphan. 

 And I'd be good with that. 

Adam + Backpack + Lacey + Wine = Forever

This is a big week for us. 

We've been together for 7 years.

I met Adam when I was 22.  At the time, I felt so old. 

Everyone I knew at the time met their soul mate and got married right after high school.  I had just finished college and there was no Prince Charming on the horizon. 

And when you least expect it...

That's when it happens.

Adam and I had our first real date at a Halloween party on October 30. 

If I could go back to this date, 7 years ago, and give myself some advice, it would include the following:

1.  A backpack full of wine is not a dare.

2.  Do not hit on people wearing house arrest bracelets to make Adam jealous.

 

3.  There are parts of this night that you will want to remember with striking, minute by minute, full detail including every sense clarity.

4.  This is the day that will change your life.

5.  The love of your life will show up wearing a t-shirt with two unicorns...uhmm.....doing it. 

6.  A bottle of absinthe (that Adam bought online from the Czech Republic) that gets spilt will make the trunk smell like licorice for years.  Years.

7.  A quote from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective will be a part of your first kiss. 

8.  By all accounts, this is not a date that should lead to true love.  Or even a second date. 

9.  There are some situations in life where serendipitous fate and destiny just take control.  This is one of them.

10.  If the future love of your life tries to kiss you on the forehead.  Let him.  Especially if you just threw up.

11.  He should not call you the next day.  But he will.  And he will call you every day forever.

12.  It's okay that neither of you wore a costume.  You will always do your own thing together.

13.  If you're gonna drink a backpack full of wine, don't finish the night by drinking beer.

 

14.  You are so lucky.  And you don't even know it yet. 

15.  This is your last first date.  It will be worth it.  I promise.