As many of you know, I started praying for our "future family, whatever that looks like" on the day before Thanksgiving, back in 2010. I have consistently prayed this same prayer, every day, for the last three years. Which means that I have prayed the. same. prayer. (at least) 2,000 times.
And I will continue to pray this prayer every day until all of our babies are home and tucked safely in their beds. Where they belong.
But I cannot even begin to articulate how dark this feels.
We attended our adoption meeting back in September. And I was so excited, because I was SURE that this was going to be the springboard to starting our family. And it's taken me almost three months to be able to process and wrap my brain around what changed for us after that meeting.
It was just an information session. It wasn't anything personal. I was pretty sure that they weren't sending us home with a baby (but always open to the idea!). Sitting in a room with thirty other couples, most of whom weren't even sure that they wanted to adopt. Adam and I have been reading and researching and praying about our intent to adopt for THREE YEARS. We could have led the information session with our eyes closed.
And then, in the conversation about approval, the record scratched. I think I stopped breathing. As part of your home study, you have to make sure that you have a plan for any unsafe situations around your house (firearms, ponds, major roadways), but you also have to be able to prove that you can pay the placement fee at the hospital. Which is roughly $17,000. That we don't have.
People asked questions about how to loophole around that; because, frankly, I don't know a ton of people who just have that kind of disposable income laying around. Some employers offer rockin' adoption benefits and you can even get a letter from family members saying that they will spot you the money. There are even low-interest adoption loans that are available for just this occasion.
I love being self-employed, but sometimes I get a little annoyed that my employer doesn't offer rockin' (or really any) adoption benefits.
We talked about the adoption loans for weeks. We kept talking about how we should look into it, but we never did. And, finally, we had a pretty tough conversation over breakfast at a pancake house. We talked about how, for us, it felt irresponsible to go into debt for adoption. I kept hearing Dave Ramsey's voice in my head saying, "God will never call you to do something that will cause you to go into debt." And, as you probably expected, I cried at the pancake house.
When I first talked to Adam about adoption, his first concern was everyone's first concern. Money. How are we possibly going to afford it? And I was so confident. I said, "I have no idea. But the money will come." The last thing on my mind was where the money was going to come from. And I have to say that my heart aches to be sitting here, THREE YEARS LATER, and to still have NO IDEA where this money is going to come from.
And, yet, I see God moving in other people's adoptions and in their families. Reminders of what He can do. Reminders that He loves adoption.
One of my favorite blogs features a family with six kids, two of whom are adopted. And I have to say that I just love this momma's heart. After bringing home their sixth child, they almost immediately begin the adoption of their SEVENTH child, who has special needs. They have NO IDEA how they are going to cover the cost of the adoption, but they are stepping out in faith, and God is delivering!
Another blog I follow is written by a woman who has been married to her husband for twelve years. After years of infertility, they have adopted four children. Two from Uganda and two from Ethiopia. And then, after the first of the year, she found out she was pregnant. For the first time ever. And their darling son was born last month.
I've seen adoptive families be able to raise $40,000 overnight. True story.
So, when people ask about the adoption, it's hard for me not to get caught up in the fact that things aren't moving and we have no idea how long this is going to take or what this is going to look like. It is so strange to have a momma's heart, but no babies to love on.
But I believe that God is going to do some RADICAL things to create our family. And, just like with our house, I believe it will happen quickly and it will be so perfect for us (beyond our wildest imagination) that we will not be able to believe that we doubted for a second that it would work out.
Make it 2,0001.