Friday, April 27, 2012

If You Can't Say Anything Nice...

I already wrote about postive adoption language back in February. 

Now, as deployment gets closer, I feel like I need to write about Positive Deployment Language.  I just made that up.  I don't think it really exists.  But, golly, I wish it did.

I had an...interesting....conversation with a new person yesterday.  Her kids were acting up, and she said, "Do you have kids?" 

I should have just said, "No." 

But instead, I gave her the long answer...

No, we're going to adopt.  But we can't right now.  Because he's deploying for 12 months.  To Afghanistan.

That darn record scratch thing happened.  All the air sucked from the room.  Darn.

And she said, "Oh my do you do it?" 

I don't know.  I haven't done it yet.

"That must be...weird." 

Weird is an understatement, lady.

Then this really strange thing started to happen.  Her mouth was moving.  But I couldn't hear her words. 

I would like for people to ask questions.  Questions are fine.  I like questions.  But don't make comments based on assumptions that are probably not true or are misinformed.

So, I thought I would share this insightful post about things that are not helpful to say to military wives.  I've included my two cents, as well.

1. "Aren't you afraid that he'll be killed?" This one comes in at number one on the "duh" list for every military wife. Of course we're afraid. We're terrified. The thought always lingers in the backs of our minds -- but thanks, brilliant, you just brought it back to the front. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they're scared of dying.  No one has ever asked me that.  I did have someone tell me that Adam would get "blown up" and "come back fucked up."  People are scared.  I get it.  Me too.

2. "I don't know how you manage. I don't think I could do it."
This is intended to be a compliment, but it's just a little annoying. Here's why: It's not like all of us military wives have been dreaming since childhood of the day we'd get to be anxious single moms who carry cellphones with us to the bathroom and in the shower. We're not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable; we just got asked to take on a challenging job. So, we rose to the challenge and found the strength to make sacrifices.
  I hear this one a lot.  "I could never do it."  Well, you'd be shocked at what you can do when you're not really given a choice.  I didn't think I could "do" the 2-hour meeting where we think and plan for the reality of my husband dying.  And I did.

3. "At least he's not in Iraq."
This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands are in Afghanistan. What do they think is happening in Afghanistan? An international game of golf? Guys are fighting and dying over there.
  This is not the most annoying comment for me.  But I do hear a lot of things about how it will be a "safer" deployment, because "the war is over."  Yeah, sure.  (eye roll)
4. "Do you think he'll get to come home for Christmas / anniversary / birthday / birth of a child / wedding / family reunion, etc.?"
Don't you watch the news? No! They don't get to come home for any of these things. Please don't ask again.  I had someone ask me if he could come home when we adopted and if our apartment rent was free, because he was in the Army.  I wish.  We're having a hard time finding a military discount to buy a laptop!
5. "What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he's gone?"
Short answer: try to keep my sanity. Maybe there's a military wife out there who gets bored when her husband leaves, but I have yet to meet her. For the rest of us, those with and without children, we find ourselves having to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don't get bored, and drinking massive amounts of wine always helps keep me busy.
  I work.  A lot.  I exercise.  I hang out with friends.  I certainly don't cook or clean.
6. "How much longer does he have until he can get out?"
This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren't counting down the days until they "can" get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER AGAIN and AGAIN to go back to Iraq because there is work that needs to be done.
  Adam has less than 3 years on his contract.  And people try to count down to that.  But, honestly, we don't know if that's the end of his career or not.  If Adam did "get out," it would be a personal sacrifice for him on my behalf.

7. "This deployment shouldn't be so bad, now that you're used to it."
Sure, we do learn coping skills, and it's true the more deployments you've gone through, the easier dealing with it becomes. And we figure out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets "easy" and the bullets and bombs don't skip over our guys just because they've been there before. The worry never goes away.
  This is our first deployment.  I think everyone knows how wigged out I am.
8. "My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you're going through."
This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband's three-week trip to London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a 12–15-month or more deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an IED (improvised explosive device), your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, he flew comfortably on a commercial plane, slept between crisp white sheets and ate well, paying for everything with an expense account. There is no comparison. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for it. Comparing a 12-month combat deployment to a business trip is like comparing a Ford Taurus with a Mercedes convertible.
  This doesn't bother me so much, though I don't think anyone has said this sort of thing to me (probably for fear that I would punch them in the throat).  I dunno, to me, hard is hard.  I'm not out to win the "My life is harder than yours because my husband will be gone for a year" award.

9. "Wow, you must miss him."
This one also gets another big "duh". Of course we miss our men. There are some wives who do not, and they're now divorced.  Like I said before, Adam and I are an amazing team.  And when he's gone, I'm a really lousy team of one.
10. "Where is he exactly? Where is that?"
I don't expect non-military folks to be able to find Anbar Province on a map, but they should know by now that it's in Iraq. Likewise, know that Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. Know that Muqtada al Sadr is the insurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in Iraq and that Sadr City is his home area. Know that Iran is a major threat to our country and that it is located between Afghanistan and Iraq. Our country has been at war in Afghanistan for nine years and at war in Iraq for seven years. These basic facts are not secrets, they're on the news every night and in the papers every day -- and on maps everywhere.
  If you ask me this, I will say, "Afghanistan."  I know the city name that is closest to where he will be, but I'm not so hot with the geography myself, so I'm not going to drag you into it.
11. "Well, he signed up for it, so it's his own fault whatever happens over there."
Yes, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right to make stupid, ignorant comments like that. He didn't sign up and ask to be hit by anything -- he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you that "You're welcome." He's still fighting for your freedom.
  He did sign up for it.  And that was hard for me.  But, thankfully, we have a volunteer military.  Some sacrifice so that not everyone has to.  That's a big deal for me.  I could talk about this whole issue for a long time, as a military wife and as a therapist.  Maybe I'll elaborate on this later.

12. "Don't you miss sex? I couldn't do it!"
Hmmm. Seriously ... military spouses learn quickly that our relationships must be founded on something greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night. And the hard truth is, most relationships probably couldn't withstand 12 months of sex deprivation.
13. "Well, in my opinion ..."
Stop right there. I didn't ask for your personal political opinions. Hey, I love a heated political debate, but not in the grocery store, not in Jamba Juice, not at Nordstrom, not in a restaurant when I'm out with my girls trying to forget the war, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We tell co-workers about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours running our butts off doing errands and taking care of the house, dog and kids, they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and colleagues because we are inviting them to ramble about politics or because we so eagerly want to hear how much they hate the president. Especially while we're trying to heat up our Lean Cuisine in the crappy office microwave.
  Yeah, you can keep your political feelings to yourself.  My husband is doing a job.  Just like your husband does a job.  If you have a problem with the wars, that is certainly your right (a right that you have because of people like my husband, but we can overlook that for the moment).  Take it up with your elected officials, who choose for us to go to be involved in war. 
Last but not least ...
14. "Oh, that's horrible ... I'm so sorry!"
He's doing his job and he's tough. Don't be sorry. Be appreciative and please take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to realize that our military fights the wars abroad so those wars stay abroad and you stay safe.
  You know what I'd rather hear?  "Thank you."  "Tell him thank you."  "How can I help?"  "I will pray for you both."   

No comments:

Post a Comment